"We are very much motivated by our desires. No two people have exactly the same desires all the time, so it is inevitable that you will experience conflict of desire in your relationship. You may experience it quite often. How it is handled has a great deal to do with how motivated you will be to continue in partnership with your significant other. For you both to reap the greatest rewards of love through your relationship, you have to be motivated enough to stay together in the relationship!

     "The win-win approach to decisions and desires is a cornerstone of successful partnering for the long term. It is founded on the fact that if I win and you lose in decisions we make about how to be together, you are not going to want to stay together for a long time. Nor would it be healthy or loving to yourself for you to do so in those circumstances. It is not helpful for me either, because even though I have "won," I lose you and that means I have really lost in the long term. The folly of attempts to control, manipulate, or overpower you for the sake of my own ends is apparent here. Would you really want to remain with someone who was content with their winning and your losing, in decisions that governed how you spent your time together?

     "The win-win approach says to your partner that you only want to participate in making agreements where they win too. It means never demanding sacrifice of your partner. It means you do not want them to have to compromise in order to be with you. It conveys to them that you care as much for their happiness as your own. It conveys love, and support for their personhood as they strive to meet the challenge of fulfilling their life. Isn't this the sort of person you would want to be with?"
© 2000 Mark Shafer